26 April, 2.30 AM Words will never be enough to express how wonderful you are. I feel whatever I write here will never do you justice. For me, nothing will suffice to express how wonderful you are and how much I am missing you. Both of us have never been just a tita and a niece to each other, we have and always will be best friends. Growing up and until now, I always look to you with much adoration and love. Have you observed most of our pictures together? I am always near you or hugging you. That is how much I love and adore you Tita!
Remember when we were young and you visited K and spent the night there? I didn’t want you to leave so when Lola M arrived I told Lola that you didn’t want to go home yet. When you saw from the window that Lola left and is now walking away, boy how upset you were at me! You don't talk to me when you're angry at me. But you see, I’ve always wanted to hold on to your presence, you know that.
As teenagers, we’ve always done most of our firsts together, like shave our underarms and regret it later when our hairs turned really thick. I always tag along with you, to your high school theatre, to the store at the corner, to your school, remember you introduced me to your friend M who sold care bear stickers, which you bought for me to collect. You would braid my hair into a bun and we would go to X and ride the swing with me complaining how bad the smell of my hands were after holding on to the chains. Remember when Tatay would be angry, we would run to the corner where the Kalachuchi tree was, with L and uncle A, and we would not talk and just look up at the white flowers to distract ourselves from what is happening. In college, I end up being friends with your friends, I’d call them tita, as well. I would know their stories. Oh what nice gossips you’d tell me. When I almost flunked statistics, you came with me to LB amidst the typhoon and waited for me to finish my exams. I did really well in that exam tita because I felt so secure that you were outside waiting for me. It was a total of 4 hours of travel and two hours of waiting, knowing you didn’t like wet weather and travelling long, I know you knew how much I needed your presence there so you went with me. When I am in trouble, in a rut, or just plain sad, you were just a phone call away and you always calm me down with your gentle and unconditional love. Oh yes, you would be upset with me and not talk to me because I would tease you or be plain paras with you and you didn’t like rowdiness, I exasperate you a lot with my unpredictability and my erratic behavior. It usually takes me a while to know you’re upset with me – indeed that is how dense I am most times but all I do is hug you and say sorry and things will be better. I’ve always felt secure with the world knowing that whatever life throws my way, whatever trouble I will be in, you will always be there for me. Unconditionaly.
Remember tita you always remind me to drink something warm in the morning and brush my teeth before I go to bed, or drink water if we eat something before going to bed? You remind me all the time because I always ask, why do I have to do it. You must be fed up with all my questions. But still I will ask you this question because I don’t know the answer, because all I can feel is my heart breaking into a million pieces. I want to ask you what do I do now without you tita?
You were always there to meet me even at wee hours in the morning when I come to N from D, to say hello and so I can hug you before I sleep. I would know that you’re still up when I can see you by the window talking on your phone, oh how you loved cellphones. You always have your closet ready for me to raid so I can get something to wear to bed. When I have an early trip to wherever I’m going, you will wake up with me and tell me ‘paginom ug init aron dka panuhuton.’ When I’m home in N and have nothing to do, I would always plead that you take a leave from work so we can go to ketkai and you can buy me palabok at RR or pizza at GW. Those were your favourites.
Do you remember when you, myself and G, saw the first picture of E inside your tummy? He looked like a little tadpole. I remember kidding you that you won’t be able to drink gin pom for the next nine months, and you actually looked sad about it. Oh tita how much you loved life. You and L would be the last persons standing when we have our drinking sessions. But, hands down P would be all demure with vomiting and our dear Ate M would be sleeping in odd positions. B would become chatty and might actually break into a dance with the rest of the more agile ones. But she never forgets to tell on me, she would tell you that I left all of you again to go to sleep. I always want to sleep beside you but sometimes A beats me to it.
We had a good time together before I left for L, didn’t we? We braved GM when it was AD and ate GW, because you were craving for pizza and spaghetti. Even if you were on bed rest and not feeling physically well, I would come and cry because of this and that and you never ceased to give me strength during that time when everything seems to be tumbling down.
Whenever you visit us in D I would end up crying when you leave because I would miss you, because I feel like I’m not going to see you again for a long time. There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you Tita, like how much you are a huge part of my core. Like how much you have helped me by just being my Tita and giving me unconditional love. I regret so much that I was not able to call you when you gave birth. I always do this to you, I know and that’s why you always get upset with me, because sometimes I just disappear, chasing a million and one things in my life. I was always secure with your presence in this world, with your presence in my world, that I tend to forget that I haven’t called you up or emailed or said hi. I always felt like you are with me all the time, that you would know my thoughts. I learned, again, belatedly, that you were upset with me because I didn’t call and I regret so much, with all my being, that I did not get to talk to you before you left. I carry this burden in my heart and will carry it with me for a long time, it is a bitter lesson to learn Tita and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I would give everything to hug or talk to you again. I would.
The last thing you requested from me days before I left for L was a pair of slippers. It may be you telling me that you will be going on a journey of your own, as well. Tita dot it will take me forever to understand why you have to go, it will take me all my life to cope with you not being a part of it. I won’t ever say goodbye because you are with me always. I will just say until then...when we meet again we will drink all the gin pom that we can drink, with the rest of the gang. I love you very much Tita, I love you to the moon and back. I am honoured to be your niece, I am honoured to be your friend. I miss you so much, my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces if I think about not seeing you again. But, I will see you in my dreams, I will see you in E, in each and everyone of us whose lives you have touched.
E, my darling, you have a wonderful mother, we will all one day tell you about her... about a wonderful tita who gave us infinite love, who is now looking down upon us from heaven as our angel of light.
We love you tita, please do not worry anymore because we will be here to take care of E and G.
I love you forever and dearly and I will miss you everyday of my life!
