Grapping with truth.

How does one get to the truth? This question has been bugging me for the longest time now. How indeed can we cut through all the bullshit and distill? Like gas evaporating to leave only a speck, a residue. It seems the only truth I have been able to reach was to say, let me be. Leave me the hell alone so I can savor my space where there is just me and silence. I don't think I have reached my truth by verbalising this. There is something else that needs to be identified and faced. In the mean time. Just let me be. Even for just awhile. Because I have lost my internal compass. And I am desperate to regain it.   

All shades of anger. All shades of frustration. All levels of exhaustion. I arrived Davao from Manila at about 845 PM tonight. Happy to have been the first person to get out of the airplane and the first to reach the luggage carousel. Luggage came, peacefully retrieved it and was about to exit the arrival area when I noticed, to my extreme horror, that the padlock of my bag was yanked out -- the metal thing that holds the padlock to the zipper ripped off! I immediately checked contents and heart pounding hard, I saw that all my stuff were in a jumbled mess inside my bag -- my little bags were opened, my toiletries bag opened, everything opened and examined! Even my leather ballpen case did not escape scrutiny! I became extremely worried when I saw that I inadvertently left my credit card wallet inside my luggage! Stupid and disorganised me, I just shoved all my stuff inside my bag earlier because I was already getting late going to the airport from the office. I didn't realise until the incident that the stuff I carelessly shoved inside included my mesh bag containing keys, credit card wallet, coin purse, and all sorts of little abubot I always carry in my handbag. My credit cards were all out of their individual plastic sleeves when I saw it! I immediately approached a policeman to tell him what happened, he advised me to go to the CEBU PACIFIC check-in counter to report. When I reached the counter, I find out there is also another lady with the same predicament! We were an unlikely pair of two people with good imitation Chanel (hers) and Louis Vuitton (mine) bags! The CEBU PACIFIC people only asked us to fill-out a form entitled customer FEEDBACK form. Feedback?!?! Yes, to them what happened only merits a comment form! I was by that time calling all the hotline numbers of my credit cards to have it blocked while trying to make my point to the daft CEBU PACIFIC manager that this is a serious case even if he says I/we did not loose anything! I pointed out that for sure all my credit card information, including the security digits, have been written down and therefore would most likely be used for online transactions and if this isn't part of their definition of losing something, I do not know what is! And for his information, I did loose something -- the thief got my stash of Fortnum and Mason Tea! Seems he/she knows what good tea is! I demanded they give us definite word on what they would do about our case, on when they would get back to us on updates, and whether they would reimburse us for costs incurred -- me for the cost to replace all my credit cards and for all the calls I made to 5 hotline numbers. The other lady meanwhile was also doing her own pangasaba and demands. Now, this manager says, staring hard at me, it's the customer service in Manila who will process this and as you know Ma'am, it's late in the night already, we don't have 24 hours customer service so they would probably get back to you tomorrow and oh, about the reimbursement, you did not loose anything so we won't reimburse, if you want to pursue it, you can make your case with our customer service when they contact you. No email from Cebu Pacific Customer Service 3 weeks (and running) after the incident. I went to their local office last week when I flew to Manila and the lady said, (1) it is not their fault, and (2) a customer service person will email me. Nadah. None. Wala! No email, no call. Disregarded as unimportant. NOTE TO SELF: Write a letter to the editor, send to major dailies, write a letter to Tulfo or whoever can shout the loudest. This is not the end of this story Cebu Pacific! Oh and by the way, my mother said, correction ____ the bag I gave you is the real deal, what are you talking about it being good imitation?! Aaaarrgghhh! I'm sorry mama, it doesn't look like its old self anymore.

Sunday morning ramblings...

I derive pride from the fact that I did not have time to have jetlag both when I arrived London and when I got back in Manila. Marvelous and yet sad at the same time, isn't it? I have now effectively become a robot. I push auto-play in a ceaseless conveyor belt called my life. I wake up in the mornings worried that I will one day become a mindless one at that! After all that 'good' education, this is very worrisome indeed. It isn't really just because of a boss that has a huge presence, a huge ego, a huge voice (but in his good days, is a huge generous softy, which, really, makes for an unpredictable day everyday. horrific). He inspires me, though so I tell myself not to blame him entirely for my woes. This is when my 16-hour flight going back to the Philippines became very useful, I contemplated hard for most of my waking hours during that flight about this increasing feeling of voicelessness and the reasons that might have contributed to this predicament. I came to several (crazy) 'conclusions' that -- (1) my intellectual insecurity manifested by grappling for words everytime I need to verbally explain things is not entirely a symptom of being an idiot but in fact, might be early onset alzheimers, or dementia, or blod clot in the brain, (2) all the 'bad' memories are slowly creeping up the surface: that little black box has become too little to shove inside it all the shit that I have gone through all these years, (3) i need a vacation, (4) i need to get out of this job (or i wish my boss would go on to another job!), (5) i need to have 'entertainment', and (5) rootedness is something I need to live by -- my friend's very academic concept of rooted economies has great relevance to one's psyche, as well!

Now, my sweet landlady in London gave me advise, she said, ____ you need to confess to a priest and then go to a psychiatrist. Not a bad idea, methinks. I just don't see the point of going through a priest before a psychiatrist. But, yes, spirituality might be something I need to explore. I've been mulling a lot over studying Buddhism. It hasn't become material reality yet because I do not have time. I should make time. But, yes, good psychiatric sessions wouldn't be a bad idea. I've been frequenting the dentist, so this should be workable in terms of one-hour chunks. I need to just treat this as something medical at some point, no need for dramatics.

Let's see, what else? Oh, I thought of finding a speech therapist or an occupational therapist for my dyslexia. I have yet to master the art of being articulate and projecting confidence. Shouldn't I just go to finishing school for this and not over-analyse?! Haha.

Entertainment over the weekend consisted largely of a 17-hour marathon of a korean romantic comedy called 'Coffee Prince'. It's absolutely absolutely heart-thugging sweet! I lost 3 nights of good, resftul sleep watching it online. It absolutely became a 17-hour obsession. Amazing story-telling, amazing execution, quite cutting edge for its time, it tackled homosexuality very well (not preachy patronising at all!) considering it's in an Asian context. We've come quite far in terms of gender issues in this part of the world. More importantly, the leading man is...to die for! But, this is the clincher -- my appreciation of this tele-novela is 4 years late! It was a hit in 2007 and everyone, I was told, raved about it and I don't even remember. My friends must have laughed at me when I messaged them that I discovered a new obsession -- sort of saying duh?! what cave have you been hiding on the last 4 years?! Another friend said, ____ this signals something. Well, he is gay so he is referring to starting to be open about appreciating men and their entertainment value. This is a friend who eggs me about mingling and just be chill about men. That's not too bad if I think about it. But, I thought about the bigger implication of this 4-year delay really hard because it got me very worried and yes, I do have the tendency to hide inside a cave and not participate in life. I asked myself, do you know the everyday normal goings-on of your friends and family? Sadly no. I get surprised by my sister's memories of doing this and that with our brother and I always ask her, how come I don't remember that, where was I? She always answers, I don't know, you were doing something else. Hhhmmm... rootedness came to my mind. I don't engage the moment, I don't savor, I don't listen to everyday chatter. I am uprooted and upside down most times.

But, man, that guy in that Korean telenovela Gong Yoo is sooooo handsome! Haha! I have a new crush. Wiiii!! But, yes, for a 35-year old this is so screaming teenager-ish. I need to grow up. I have only met unkempt single men who act like boys (makes me bored and want to just scrub them clean with a loofa) and interesting but otherwise unavailable men in my two-year life here. Arggghh. I am not interested. I have to delete that romance book inside my head. I appreciate now why father forbade us from reading all those thrashy romantic novels when we were young. It does ruin you for life!

full circle

It's been awhile. So many things happened in the mean time. This feels like a second chance at life. Now it is mine to write. I still feel tentative and unwritten, like a blank sheet of yellow-colored paper that only has an ellipsis to start its story with. Yellow seems apt, yellow seems hopeful and happy. Let's see what words and metaphors would be dancing along to mark the lines of time.

don't you see me?

I saw a picture of Dupont circle metro station today and was nostalgic. I miss DC. Remember the old chinese man who used to play at the Metro station once a week? What haunting beautiful music. London's subway scene is nowhere near ours in DC. Here it's filthy and stinky and no good music...just the constant rush of people and the ocassional unoriginal tunes.

I guess I'm just tired of the noise and the filth of the city. I got stuck in bad traffic today and a man with absolutely no teeth (not even one!) was talking jibberish to me. I couldn't make out what he was ranting about except the word f**ck or somesuch horrible word. Maybe I'm going crazy with exams in two weeks and I'm absolutely brain dead already. And, I thought of venting out on you. Sorry kid. Or, maybe I'm just hungry. I haven't eaten rice since morning. My soul misses rice.

Hope things are superb on your end. Mine, as it is obvious, is one train wreck.

predictably unpredictable

I emailed V to tell her I found a vacant computer at the g/f of the library, which by normal standards is news in itself because it is a rare occurence. She immediately emailed back saying, you're in the library? how can that be possible?! Is there revision today that I forgot? Tell me asap! I laughed out loud causing a stare from my seatmate. This is a library remember?! Anyway, I must be really predictable, am I? I don't like libraries, V knows that. She's been trying to extract me from the residence hall, like a gum under a table. I've been holed up in the university residence hall to aim at revising for my freaking exams in June, but I always end up sleeping and watching CSI. This was my pseudo justification of reward supposedly after reading one theme but no, deluding myself of the feat, I end up watching CSI after every page. Haha! Hey, dyspraxics have low attention span, I tell myself. Oh yeah.

Well, I upped and went to the library today to escape the nemesis that is my bed and my computer and then there is the drama of everyday life, that really, I am trying to run away from. Let it be in a box for a bit, S. It can wait, like most things can. I assure you. But, exams and revisions can't wait (Is this me talking?! it can't be) But, indeed I still have 3 more courses to plod on and I only have 2 weeks. A marathon, isn't it? I can do it. Yes, we can (acckkk an Obama cliche). I survived worst. Remember? Remember?

In the mean time, these freaking people are so noisy. Am I in the library?! Oh, I better check, I might be somewhere else after all!

never goodbye, only until then...

26 April, 2.30 AM

Words will never be enough to express how wonderful you are. I feel whatever I write here will never do you justice. For me, nothing will suffice to express how wonderful you are and how much I am missing you. Both of us have never been just a tita and a niece to each other, we have and always will be best friends. Growing up and until now, I always look to you with much adoration and love. Have you observed most of our pictures together? I am always near you or hugging you. That is how much I love and adore you Tita!

Remember when we were young and you visited K and spent the night there? I didn’t want you to leave so when Lola M arrived I told Lola that you didn’t want to go home yet. When you saw from the window that Lola left and is now walking away, boy how upset you were at me! You don't talk to me when you're angry at me. But you see, I’ve always wanted to hold on to your presence, you know that.

As teenagers, we’ve always done most of our firsts together, like shave our underarms and regret it later when our hairs turned really thick. I always tag along with you, to your high school theatre, to the store at the corner, to your school, remember you introduced me to your friend M who sold care bear stickers, which you bought for me to collect. You would braid my hair into a bun and we would go to X and ride the swing with me complaining how bad the smell of my hands were after holding on to the chains. Remember when Tatay would be angry, we would run to the corner where the Kalachuchi tree was, with L and uncle A, and we would not talk and just look up at the white flowers to distract ourselves from what is happening. In college, I end up being friends with your friends, I’d call them tita, as well. I would know their stories. Oh what nice gossips you’d tell me. When I almost flunked statistics, you came with me to LB amidst the typhoon and waited for me to finish my exams. I did really well in that exam tita because I felt so secure that you were outside waiting for me. It was a total of 4 hours of travel and two hours of waiting, knowing you didn’t like wet weather and travelling long, I know you knew how much I needed your presence there so you went with me. When I am in trouble, in a rut, or just plain sad, you were just a phone call away and you always calm me down with your gentle and unconditional love. Oh yes, you would be upset with me and not talk to me because I would tease you or be plain paras with you and you didn’t like rowdiness, I exasperate you a lot with my unpredictability and my erratic behavior. It usually takes me a while to know you’re upset with me – indeed that is how dense I am most times but all I do is hug you and say sorry and things will be better. I’ve always felt secure with the world knowing that whatever life throws my way, whatever trouble I will be in, you will always be there for me. Unconditionaly.

Remember tita you always remind me to drink something warm in the morning and brush my teeth before I go to bed, or drink water if we eat something before going to bed? You remind me all the time because I always ask, why do I have to do it. You must be fed up with all my questions. But still I will ask you this question because I don’t know the answer, because all I can feel is my heart breaking into a million pieces. I want to ask you what do I do now without you tita?

You were always there to meet me even at wee hours in the morning when I come to N from D, to say hello and so I can hug you before I sleep. I would know that you’re still up when I can see you by the window talking on your phone, oh how you loved cellphones. You always have your closet ready for me to raid so I can get something to wear to bed. When I have an early trip to wherever I’m going, you will wake up with me and tell me ‘paginom ug init aron dka panuhuton.’ When I’m home in N and have nothing to do, I would always plead that you take a leave from work so we can go to ketkai and you can buy me palabok at RR or pizza at GW. Those were your favourites.

Do you remember when you, myself and G, saw the first picture of E inside your tummy? He looked like a little tadpole. I remember kidding you that you won’t be able to drink gin pom for the next nine months, and you actually looked sad about it. Oh tita how much you loved life. You and L would be the last persons standing when we have our drinking sessions. But, hands down P would be all demure with vomiting and our dear Ate M would be sleeping in odd positions. B would become chatty and might actually break into a dance with the rest of the more agile ones. But she never forgets to tell on me, she would tell you that I left all of you again to go to sleep. I always want to sleep beside you but sometimes A beats me to it.

We had a good time together before I left for L, didn’t we? We braved GM when it was AD and ate GW, because you were craving for pizza and spaghetti. Even if you were on bed rest and not feeling physically well, I would come and cry because of this and that and you never ceased to give me strength during that time when everything seems to be tumbling down.

Whenever you visit us in D I would end up crying when you leave because I would miss you, because I feel like I’m not going to see you again for a long time. There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you Tita, like how much you are a huge part of my core. Like how much you have helped me by just being my Tita and giving me unconditional love. I regret so much that I was not able to call you when you gave birth. I always do this to you, I know and that’s why you always get upset with me, because sometimes I just disappear, chasing a million and one things in my life. I was always secure with your presence in this world, with your presence in my world, that I tend to forget that I haven’t called you up or emailed or said hi. I always felt like you are with me all the time, that you would know my thoughts. I learned, again, belatedly, that you were upset with me because I didn’t call and I regret so much, with all my being, that I did not get to talk to you before you left. I carry this burden in my heart and will carry it with me for a long time, it is a bitter lesson to learn Tita and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I would give everything to hug or talk to you again. I would.

The last thing you requested from me days before I left for L was a pair of slippers. It may be you telling me that you will be going on a journey of your own, as well. Tita dot it will take me forever to understand why you have to go, it will take me all my life to cope with you not being a part of it. I won’t ever say goodbye because you are with me always. I will just say until then...when we meet again we will drink all the gin pom that we can drink, with the rest of the gang. I love you very much Tita, I love you to the moon and back. I am honoured to be your niece, I am honoured to be your friend. I miss you so much, my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces if I think about not seeing you again. But, I will see you in my dreams, I will see you in E, in each and everyone of us whose lives you have touched.

E, my darling, you have a wonderful mother, we will all one day tell you about her... about a wonderful tita who gave us infinite love, who is now looking down upon us from heaven as our angel of light.

We love you tita, please do not worry anymore because we will be here to take care of E and G.

I love you forever and dearly and I will miss you everyday of my life!