I derive pride from the fact that I did not have time to have jetlag both when I arrived London and when I got back in Manila. Marvelous and yet sad at the same time, isn't it? I have now effectively become a robot. I push auto-play in a ceaseless conveyor belt called my life. I wake up in the mornings worried that I will one day become a mindless one at that! After all that 'good' education, this is very worrisome indeed. It isn't really just because of a boss that has a huge presence, a huge ego, a huge voice (but in his good days, is a huge generous softy, which, really, makes for an unpredictable day everyday. horrific). He inspires me, though so I tell myself not to blame him entirely for my woes. This is when my 16-hour flight going back to the Philippines became very useful, I contemplated hard for most of my waking hours during that flight about this increasing feeling of voicelessness and the reasons that might have contributed to this predicament. I came to several (crazy) 'conclusions' that -- (1) my intellectual insecurity manifested by grappling for words everytime I need to verbally explain things is not entirely a symptom of being an idiot but in fact, might be early onset alzheimers, or dementia, or blod clot in the brain, (2) all the 'bad' memories are slowly creeping up the surface: that little black box has become too little to shove inside it all the shit that I have gone through all these years, (3) i need a vacation, (4) i need to get out of this job (or i wish my boss would go on to another job!), (5) i need to have 'entertainment', and (5) rootedness is something I need to live by -- my friend's very academic concept of rooted economies has great relevance to one's psyche, as well!
Now, my sweet landlady in London gave me advise, she said, ____ you need to confess to a priest and then go to a psychiatrist. Not a bad idea, methinks. I just don't see the point of going through a priest before a psychiatrist. But, yes, spirituality might be something I need to explore. I've been mulling a lot over studying Buddhism. It hasn't become material reality yet because I do not have time. I should make time. But, yes, good psychiatric sessions wouldn't be a bad idea. I've been frequenting the dentist, so this should be workable in terms of one-hour chunks. I need to just treat this as something medical at some point, no need for dramatics.
Let's see, what else? Oh, I thought of finding a speech therapist or an occupational therapist for my dyslexia. I have yet to master the art of being articulate and projecting confidence. Shouldn't I just go to finishing school for this and not over-analyse?! Haha.
Entertainment over the weekend consisted largely of a 17-hour marathon of a korean romantic comedy called 'Coffee Prince'. It's absolutely absolutely heart-thugging sweet! I lost 3 nights of good, resftul sleep watching it online. It absolutely became a 17-hour obsession. Amazing story-telling, amazing execution, quite cutting edge for its time, it tackled homosexuality very well (not preachy patronising at all!) considering it's in an Asian context. We've come quite far in terms of gender issues in this part of the world. More importantly, the leading man is...to die for! But, this is the clincher -- my appreciation of this tele-novela is 4 years late! It was a hit in 2007 and everyone, I was told, raved about it and I don't even remember. My friends must have laughed at me when I messaged them that I discovered a new obsession -- sort of saying duh?! what cave have you been hiding on the last 4 years?! Another friend said, ____ this signals something. Well, he is gay so he is referring to starting to be open about appreciating men and their entertainment value. This is a friend who eggs me about mingling and just be chill about men. That's not too bad if I think about it. But, I thought about the bigger implication of this 4-year delay really hard because it got me very worried and yes, I do have the tendency to hide inside a cave and not participate in life. I asked myself, do you know the everyday normal goings-on of your friends and family? Sadly no. I get surprised by my sister's memories of doing this and that with our brother and I always ask her, how come I don't remember that, where was I? She always answers, I don't know, you were doing something else. Hhhmmm... rootedness came to my mind. I don't engage the moment, I don't savor, I don't listen to everyday chatter. I am uprooted and upside down most times.
But, man, that guy in that Korean telenovela Gong Yoo is sooooo handsome! Haha! I have a new crush. Wiiii!! But, yes, for a 35-year old this is so screaming teenager-ish. I need to grow up. I have only met unkempt single men who act like boys (makes me bored and want to just scrub them clean with a loofa) and interesting but otherwise unavailable men in my two-year life here. Arggghh. I am not interested. I have to delete that romance book inside my head. I appreciate now why father forbade us from reading all those thrashy romantic novels when we were young. It does ruin you for life!
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